


Yuletide by the Fireside

by juniperhoot



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Christmas Angst, Christmas Fluff, M/M, Obsessing over Christmas presents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:22:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22047838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juniperhoot/pseuds/juniperhoot
Summary: The prompt I received: Barba and Carisi have finally gotten together and are celebrating their first Christmas together. But what Carisi said from S21E5 is true — the pay cut's no fun, and he can't afford to get Barba the gifts he really wants to, which threatens to derail Christmas for both of them.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 31
Kudos: 69
Collections: Barisi Holiday Exchange 2019





	Yuletide by the Fireside

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Robin Hood (kjack89)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/gifts).



### Thanksgiving

That’s when it started, this knot of anxiety in Sonny’s belly that wouldn’t unravel no matter how hard he worked at it. 

Rafael spent the night before Thanksgiving at Sonny’s tiny apartment, so they could get up and watch the parade together while Sonny worked to prepare the turkey, stuffed with “Mama Carisi’s world famous sausage stuffing.” Rafael, comfortably ensconced on the sofa with Sonny’s pudgy French bulldog Bombolone curled up beside him, questioned the _world famousness_ of the recipe, because of course he couldn’t just let that lie. He couldn’t resist that Grinchy twist of his lips that announced an incoming wave of pedantry. 

“Fine. Technically, it’s not world famous. But it should be.”

There was a subtle weight shift Rafael did in his seat when he’d scored even the pettiest of points, and he did it now, still smirking. “Maybe we can call it ‘Mama Carisi’s woefully underappreciated sausage stuffing’ until it achieves the requisite level of fame?”

How was it possible for him to be so fucking smug, yet still so irresistible? And why was his needling so goddamn cute?

Oh yeah. Because Sonny worshiped the ground Rafael walked on.

He’d waited so long for this. Too long. All those years of something in the air between them, the longing looks, the late nights of bar prep, the countless cases they’d worked together, both of them standing a little too close, seemingly looking for excuses to touch. And then there were the handful of times when they’d had a few drinks and came this close to doing something. One of them always veered off into safety before they did anything that would require a serious conversation, until that night, several months ago, when they didn’t veer off. They’d gone out for drinks, and Rafael had just told him he’d decided to step down from his position at the Manhattan District Attorney’s office. They left the bar and found themselves in Rafael’s bed, with mutual admissions of their longtime attraction finally out in the open.

It was around that time Sonny seriously started considering making the leap from his work as a detective to his dream job of working as an ADA. With Rafael stepping down, there would be an open position in Manhattan, and he would still be working with his friends from the Special Victims Unit. He couldn’t think of a single reason not to do it.

Except for the money.

He’d been working as a detective for several years now, and had the paychecks to prove it. The starting salary for an Assistant District Attorney was substantially lower than his current rate of pay with the NYPD. But if he stuck with it, he’d gain experience that could open a lot of doors for him, professionally. Could he live on the ADA salary? Sure. Would it be easy? Ugh. Not quite.

There were days he worried he’d thrown himself into too many changes at once. A new relationship that seemed to be headed in a serious direction was already a lot to process. But that plus starting over in his professional life? It was a hell of a lot to take on.

Still, he’d done it, and it felt right. All of it.

When the turkey was in the oven, he joined Rafael on the couch to watch the rest of the parade. High winds meant the balloons had to fly close to the ground, making for a strange, slightly surreal experience. The cheesy lip synced musical numbers were at their best when the singers missed their cues and forgot to raise the mic when they started “singing.” A few of the performances elicited a series of low, warbling howls from Bombolone, earning a quiet pat of approval from Rafael. And at every commercial break, the sound of jingle bells foreshadowed the coming of Santa Claus at the end of the parade, heralding the official start of the Christmas season. It was a perfect way to spend the day, and Rafael’s running commentary on the parade was exactly as snarky and cynical as expected. 

During the commercial breaks, Rafael would scoot closer, murmuring gentle words as he dusted Sonny’s neck with breathy kisses, his hand slowly working its way up Sonny’s inner thigh. He knew exactly what he was doing. He’d tease Sonny for a few minutes at a time, then plant a quick kiss on his cheek and say, “Oh, the parade’s back.” It was maddening but thrilling, too, and Sonny loved it. Besides, two could play at that game, and they had the whole day ahead of them.

Sonny was thoroughly enjoying their cozy day together when the first twinge of panic hit. 

_What am I going to do about Christmas?_

In theory, he believed in gifts of shared time, attention, and affection. Those were the things that really mattered, right? They were things nobody else could give, not the way Sonny could. But this would be their first Christmas together. He wanted to make it memorable. He wanted to give Rafael something he could hold, and look at, and remember fondly as a gift chosen specially for him, to celebrate this magical time.

But what do you get for a guy who has everything (including impeccable taste)? And how do you do it on the starting salary of a Manhattan Assistant District Attorney?

He’d barely managed this Thanksgiving dinner. If it hadn’t been for his parents “just stopping by” last weekend with a turkey and ingredients for several family recipes, he might not have been able to do it. Rafael brought a couple of bottles of very good wine, which was nice, but Sonny would have liked to be able to cover the whole meal himself. He knew it was irrational, but knowing that didn’t change the way it rankled at him. If he felt this way about Thanksgiving dinner, how much worse would Christmas be?

He hated thinking about the holidays like that, and even as he thought it, he felt ashamed. Was the Incarnation an occasion to be dreaded or celebrated? Would a tiny babe laid in a manger gripe over the price tag on a gift? Maybe not. Although... that baby also received lavish gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, so maybe he wouldn’t judge Sonny too harshly for wanting to be able to give his boyfriend something nice for Christmas.

He made a mental note to talk to Father Joe about all this on Saturday.

For the time being, he had a parade to watch, and several side dishes waiting to go in the oven once the turkey was done, and a pumpkin pie he’d baked yesterday, and a box of Ma’s cannoli in the refrigerator. He had his silly little dog snuggled up in Rafael’s lap, gazing intently at the television. And best of all, Sonny had his arms around Rafael, who smelled like the incredibly expensive cologne he favored.

No, he wasn’t going to think about price tags right now. Not today.

### Three Weeks Until Christmas

It was Cyber Monday, and Sonny decided to waste his lunch break looking for gifts online. He’d thought about maybe getting Rafael a nice tie, or maybe cufflinks, but everything within his price range looked cheap and tawdry in comparison with the things Rafael wore every day. He couldn’t bear the thought of Rafael’s too-composed face as he unwrapped a cheap, polyester tie, or 14k electroplated cufflinks from a department store. 

At some point, he’d stopped actively looking for things for Rafael, and was furiously hate-clicking “related item” links that got progressively weirder the longer he clicked. Novelty suspenders? _Uh, no._ Light-up “red-nosed reindeer” underwear (batteries not included)? _Absolutely not._ A hot water bottle? _What the hell is this algorithm, anyway?_

He closed the browser. He didn’t want to buy something just for the sake of buying something. He wanted it to be meaningful, and tasteful, and nice. Something Rafael would actually enjoy. Something he’d use, and not quietly stash in a closet until he could safely drop it off at a secondhand store.

Did people break up over bad Christmas presents? Probably. He hated to think that Rafael would end things with him over an awful gift. Rafael wasn’t shallow. He would likely be offended that Sonny would even think such a thing. 

_But what if he did?_

He knew he was being ridiculous, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. What was Rafael planning for Christmas? Had he already bought something? 

They were supposed to have dinner at Rafael’s place later that week. Maybe he just needed to sit down and explain his financial situation in plain language. Maybe they could both agree to skip Christmas presents this year. Rafael knew how much Sonny had sacrificed to take this job. He’d urged him to do it for so long, and had always been his biggest supporter. Hell, even before they started dating, he’d dropped hints about openings at the other boroughs where he could put in a good word on Sonny’s behalf. Besides, he’d been a new ADA at one point, himself. Surely he’d understand, right? 

Or maybe he’d just be disappointed that Sonny hadn’t prepared better, saved more, in advance of making the leap.

Sonny thought about borrowing money from his parents, with the promise to pay it back in January, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. They were so proud of him for sticking to his principles, for being willing to take a pay cut to do the job he believed he was meant to do. How could he go to them now and ask them to ease the sting of that pay cut, especially for something as frivolous as a Christmas present? Besides, he wouldn’t be making any more in January than he was now. A promise to pay later would either result in other bills being late - something he had never done in his life and had no intention to do so now - or he’d have to renege on the promise to his parents, which wasn’t even an option.

He’d just have to figure something else out.

**********

Thursday was a bad day.

Late in the afternoon, Hadid called Sonny into her office to discuss a case they’d received. After chewing him out for not pushing back against the detectives, she sent him over to the precinct with explicit instructions to make it clear that they needed more evidence to prosecute this case. It was part of his job, and he could think of at least a dozen times when Rafael had done the same in his position. Still, he hated it, and had the nagging feeling his former coworkers resented him for it. 

As he was heading back into his office, he got a call from his dog walker, who’d been in an accident and wouldn’t be able to get over to his place to walk Bombolone. There weren’t any substitutes available on such short notice, so Sonny would have to go home and take the dog out (or resign himself to a mess later). He couldn’t do that to Bombolone’s pride, so he made his excuses to the bureau chief and grabbed a stack of files to take home.

Of course, Bombolone was in an uncooperative mood, trotting merrily along and sniffing at everything in his path. He seemed in no hurry to avail himself of the opportunities to do his business any time soon, despite Sonny’s repeated attempts at encouragement.

“C’mon, buddy.” 

“You’ve got this. Just poop already.” 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

“I’m begging you, get a move on. Maybe you’ve got nothin’ going on, but I’d kind of like to get laid tonight.”

It took several laps around the neighborhood and Bombolone’s thoughtful deliberations beside two different bushes, but at last, Sonny was ready to hang a mission accomplished banner from the nearest chain link fence. 

He crouched down to deliver some praise and petting before turning for home. Without missing a beat, the little pudgeball took a seat and looked up at him with an expectant gaze. 

“You’ve gotta be fuckin' kiddin’ me.” 

He sighed and relented, cradling Bombolone against his shoulder, like an exceptionally plump and sleepy baby. Given the difference in their inseams, Sonny could hardly fault him for being pooped, but he couldn’t help but entertain the suspicion his dog was in on the universe’s apparent conspiracy to make his life difficult today. 

By the time Sonny arrived at Rafael’s place, he was hungry, out of sorts, and feeling harried. He’d sent a text on the way over to apologize for being late, but hadn’t received a response. He tried not to read too much into it. It was just a crummy day. Days like this made everything seem worse than it was. He knew that, and he held that comforting thought in his mind as he knocked and waited, then knocked again. He could hear Rafael talking inside, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. He was tempted to lean closer to listen at the door, when he heard rapid footsteps and the door swung open. Rafael, on the phone and listening intently, waved Sonny in and directed him to the couch. 

“No, Mami, not yet.” With an odd expression on his face, Rafael pressed a distracted kiss to Sonny’s cheek, then walked to the kitchen to finish the call.

Mildly curious what that was about, but determined to allow him some privacy, Sonny busied himself with pulling files out of his briefcase, sorting them into two stacks on the coffee table. One pile was files he’d already gone through once, for which he needed additional information. The other was files he’d just received and needed to review. The first pile would be easier to finish right away, so he started poking around in search of an outlet. If he wandered slightly closer to the kitchen in his quest, it was unintentional. Mostly. 

“Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Yes, I know that, and I’m working up to it. I’m trying to find the right…” Rafael’s voice trailed off as Sonny came into view, laptop charger in hand. He frowned, and mouthed _‘behind the sofa’_ then pointed toward the living room. Watching Sonny walk away, Rafael cleared his throat and said quietly, “I can’t talk now. No, I have company… Yeah. Exactly. I’ll call you this weekend.”

Sonny couldn’t imagine what Rafael could be discussing with Lucia, that he wasn’t comfortable doing so in front of him. Although given the timing, he supposed it could be about Christmas. Was Rafael consulting his mother for gift-giving advice? Ugh. He hoped not.

He told himself he would absolutely bring it up later, after they’d eaten. It wasn’t the sort of thing he wanted to get into on an empty stomach. 

Rafael emerged from the kitchen, hands raised in apology. 

“I’m so sorry. I just saw I missed a message from you.” Resting a knee on the couch cushion beside him, Rafael squeezed Sonny’s shoulder and leaned in for a quick smooch. “You haven’t lived until you’ve been trapped on a phone call with Lucia Barba.”

“Is everything okay? Looked pretty intense there.” As he said it, he snaked an arm around Rafael’s waist and clung to him, burying his face in the softness of his lover’s burgundy sweater. He felt almost embarrassingly needy tonight. He wanted to be touched, wanted to be held, wanted to be loved. Eating something soon wouldn’t be a bad idea, either. 

“Hm? Oh, it’s fine.” Rafael waved away the question with a soft chuckle. “She’s just… a person with a lot of opinions and an intense need to remind me of them on a regular basis or the natural order will be irrevocably disrupted.”

Having met Lucia once, Sonny had to smile. She was a force of nature.

Rafael sank down on the couch, so he could look Sonny in the eye. With exquisite tenderness, he reached up, cradling Sonny’s face in both hands. “I’m glad you came over tonight.”

He didn’t kiss Sonny; not right away, anyway. Instead, Rafael studied his face, hazel eyes taking in every detail, searching for God only knows what; his thumbs lightly stroked cheekbones, traced his jawline, rasped over a hint of stubble. Finally he closed the distance between them, delivering the kind of kiss Sonny had craved all day, a kiss that started sweetly, tenderly, taking its time to build in intensity and eloquently conveying sentiments too momentous for mere words. 

It left them both breathless and wanting more, but Rafael pulled away, panting as he flopped back against the couch. “I don’t know about you, but… I’m going to need sustenance before we go any further.”

Sonny nodded his acquiescence even as he shifted forward toward Rafael. He couldn’t argue with the wisdom of eating something. Had he even eaten lunch today? He couldn’t remember now, which probably meant he had not. Still, he found himself reaching under Rafael’s sweater, licking his lips at the sensation of soft belly trembling under his fingertips. “Good plan.” 

He wanted to press his lips to that delectable skin, wanted to nibble at every snuggly bit of him, until Rafael was begging for more. 

But no, they could wait. Eat dinner first. Maybe talk a bit.

And then Sonny was absolutely going to devour him.

He just needed to stop thinking about how much he wanted to do that. 

Shifting back in his seat with an exaggerated sigh, he gazed at Rafael for a long, lust-filled moment. He cast about in his mind for a change of subject, looking for a necessary distraction from the tightness of his jeans. “Uh… hey, did you want to watch Charlie Brown Christmas tonight? I think it’s on later.”

Rafael huffed a quiet laugh at the abrupt shift. He grabbed the remote, presenting it to Sonny with a grave look and a slight bow of his head. “ _With great power comes great responsibility._ You take care of entertainment while I figure out something for dinner, okay?” 

It was comforting, listening to Rafael rattling around in the kitchen. Cabinet doors opened and closed, pots and pans clanged against one another, and through it all, Rafael hummed softly. At first it was just the sort of tuneless humming that a person did to fill the silence, but then it shifted into the instantly recognizable melody of "O Tannenbaum." 

With the volume turned down low on the tv, and the sound of his lover’s contented humming filling the air, Sonny picked up a file to work on while he waited for the show to start. He laid it out next to his laptop and quickly typed up his notes on the file, then moved on to the next one, and the next, only looking up when Rafael plopped down beside him with a sigh.

“Nothing looked good to me. I hope pizza’s alright with you.” He pulled his feet up on the couch and leaned closer, resting his chin on Sonny’s shoulder. “Hey. You haven’t told me about your day.”

“Oh, boy.” Sonny drew a deep breath before launching into a litany of the day’s annoyances. “Hadid was in a mood all day. I got called into her office for a few… choice words. Suffice to say, I’ve had it up to _here_ with trying to get some cooperation from my pals at the SVU, and I may have said as much when I had to kick a case back to them for more evidence. I don’t know if I’m burning bridges or just… establishing boundaries. Maybe both. Oh, and my dog walker bailed on me at the last minute so I had to go home and beg a French bulldog to please hurry up and take his evening shit so I could get over here.”

“I can only assume he cooperated, eventually.” 

“I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t.” Sonny closed the file in his lap and set it aside. He reached over and stroked a thumb over Rafael’s cheek, a soft smile playing at the corners of his mouth as his lover’s eyes fluttered closed for just a moment at the touch. “Not gonna lie. It wasn’t the greatest day… but I feel better now, Raf, just being here with you.”

“I’m glad. You’ve seemed… on edge lately.”

“Have I? I’m sorry. I don’t know what my problem is. I guess I’m just tired.”

Rafael was staring at him, his eyes shining with tenderness and concern. With the gentle sincerity of a supplicant, he murmured, “Stay with me tonight.”

“I probably shouldn’t. Bombolone's gonna need a walk before I go to work in the morning.”

“I’ve barely seen you all week. You must have at least forty-five hours in already.” 

“Maybe. I dunno. But I still have a lot to do.”

“I’ll find you something to wear tomorrow. Maybe one of my nicer ties...” Rafael’s voice trailed off. Sonny knew from experience, Rafael was fully capable of continuing his arguments _ad infinitum_ , offering a hundred practical reasons for Sonny to spend the night, but instead, he simply shrugged and repeated his initial plea. “Stay.”

Sonny didn’t really require persuasion, anyway. “I can’t say no to you. Not when you look at me like that.”

“Good.” Hearing the familiar opening notes of “Christmastime is Here,” Rafael picked up the remote and bumped up the volume so they could hear it properly. “Alright, let’s see what happens to this bald kid and his dog. I suspect someone’s going to discover the _true meaning_ of Christmas.”

“Please don’t ruin Charlie Brown with your cynical bullshit, Raf.” He was laughing but sounded semi-serious. "Not tonight."

“Cynical bullshit? Me? I’m wounded.” Rafael squeezed Sonny’s knee. “Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see.”

“That’s from the Great Pumpkin.”

“Oh, right. I’ll shut up.”

### Two Weeks Until Christmas

Olivia showed up at Sonny’s office and insisted on dragging him out for lunch. It was snowing, but the restaurant wasn’t far, and Sonny felt like he could use the walk to clear his head. Gamely, he threw on his coat and scarf, and bounded out the door with his former captain.

While they walked, she mentioned a case the squad was investigating. They’d run out of leads and were facing the unpleasant prospect of having to drop the case.

“It’s days like this I miss your insights in the bullpen, Carisi. I can’t help but feel we’re missing something.”

Sonny briefly wondered whether this had anything to do with the little “do better” speech he’d dumped on the squad last week, but immediately dismissed the thought as too pessimistic to be worthy of entertaining. A word of praise was something to be graciously received, not scrutinized for a possible hidden agenda.

He ducked his head in acknowledgement of the kind words. “Eh, it sounds like you guys have done everything I’d have done. But if you think it’d help, maybe I can stop by later. Fresh set of eyes and all that.”

“Only if you have time. I know Hadid’s keeping you plenty busy over there.”

He shrugged. “It’s what I signed up for.” 

A gust of wind threatened to carry his scarf away, and he hastily adjusted it, tucking the ends under his coat. He looked around at the festively decorated shop windows along the block, and felt a familiar surge of apprehension. He wanted so much to feel the joy, the magic, the wonder of the season, wanted to throw himself wholeheartedly into celebrating. But how could he, when every tentative burst of holiday spirit seemed to arrive only to prop open the door for his anxieties? With a pang of sadness, he wondered how this had become his default reaction to the holiday season. 

“Hey, Liv.” Sonny felt foolish, but valued her opinion as a friend and as someone who cared about Rafael. “I hope you don't mind my asking... did you get Rafael anything for Christmas?”

She smiled and nodded. “Of course. He and I always buy books for each other. It gives us something to talk about.”

“Huh.” He’d hoped to find inspiration, or at least solace in her response, but both eluded him. He hadn’t realized Rafael and Olivia had an ongoing gift-giving tradition. It would be weird for him to copy from Olivia and give Rafael yet another book. It was fine for them to do that, as friends. But he couldn’t help thinking he’d have to do better than that. His gift had to stand out. And at this rate, the only way it would stand out would be due to the absence of an actual gift.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just… I’m not sure what to get for him. He’s not an easy guy to buy for.”

Olivia reached out, touching his arm in an almost maternal gesture of reassurance. “Carisi, I’m sure whatever you give him, he’ll love it, because it’s from you.”

“I wish I shared your optimism.”

“Trust me, I know Rafa. And I know you. You’re fine.”

“I guess.”

### One Week Until Christmas

It was date night, and Rafael showed up at Sonny’s apartment in pain after having pulled something in his back. He’d helped his mother Lucia move a new sofa into her apartment that afternoon, and regretted it. (“Now I know why the delivery guys left it where they did.”) He insisted he would be fine in a day or two, and laid down on a thick yoga mat on the living room floor while Sonny cooked dinner. Bombolone, taking full advantage of the situation, climbed up and fell asleep on Rafael’s belly. 

When Sonny came in with their plates, Rafael shushed him and waved him toward the sofa. “I can’t get up yet, I don’t want to wake him.”

“Are you kidding me with this?” Stifling a laugh, Sonny set down the plates on the coffee table. He went back to the kitchen and came out with his phone, snapping several pictures. “I’m sending a picture to Liv, with your regards.”

Rafael squinted at him, but remained where he was, one hand protectively cradling the slumbering puppy. “I can’t help that he likes me.”

“He likes how soft and cuddly you are.” Crouching down beside him, Sonny whispered, “I can move him, you know. He won’t even wake up.”

“No, just let him sleep a few more minutes. He looks like he had a long day.”

“I had a long day, too, but you don’t see me climbing on top of you.”

“No, but you could if you wanted to.” Rafael waggled his eyebrows at Sonny, a saucy smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

“Not with your back like that, I can’t.” Sonny lowered himself to the floor beside Rafael, resting his cheek on his lover’s arm. He sighed softly and draped an arm over him, careful not to squish the dog. “What is this, cashmere? No wonder he’s zonked out on you. I might do the same.”

Rafael hummed contentedly. “This is nice. You and me.”

His voice had a dreamy softness to it that warmed Sonny to the core. Rafael wasn’t like this with anyone else. Seeing this side of him felt like possessing a highly-coveted work of art, or some ancient, mysterious relic. It was like finding the Ark of the Covenant, minus all the face-melting. Or maybe it was more like discovering a long-lost Van Gogh painting tucked away in the attic. Except... it didn’t really feel as exotic as all that. More than anything else, being with Rafael in these quiet moments felt just like coming home.

“Yeah, it is.” 

They lay still for a few minutes, with Sonny lightly tracing a spiral on Rafael’s abdomen. Someone was watching _It’s A Wonderful Life_ in the apartment next door, and had the volume cranked up loudly enough that they could recite the dialogue along with the film. George Bailey and Mary Hatch were flirting and singing “Buffalo Gals.” 

_“Aaaaand… dance by the light of the moooon.”_

In a moment they’d be throwing rocks at an old abandoned house, and making wishes for their future. It was perfect.

Sonny wondered idly whether he should just put the movie on, rather than continuing to experience it vicariously through the living room wall. But that would require getting up, and he wasn’t willing to leave Rafael’s embrace, so he let the thought pass. 

“I like what you’ve done with the apartment, by the way. Very festive.” 

Several strings of multi-colored lights ran along the tops of the walls, chasing away the bleak midwinter with an array of warmly glowing rainbow hues. Silver tinsel garland and even more lights wrapped around the windows, framing a series of lovingly tattered cardboard cutouts of Santa Claus and his reindeer. And beneath the Christmas tree, a wooden stable filled with hand-painted plaster Nativity figurines was illuminated by a single yellow bulb set off by a silver star-shaped reflector. 

“My folks gave me a bunch of their old Christmas stuff when I moved to the city. Ma said she couldn’t stand the thought of me having a sad, single strand of lights in a window.”

“So I have her to thank for all this?” Rafael chuckled. He waved in the direction of a large plastic snowman, glowing merrily as it stood vigil on the fire escape outside the window. “I haven’t seen one of those since I was a kid. An old lady in our building had one that stood on a table, facing out a window.”

“I had a choice between the snowman and a big Santa, but I told Pop to keep Santa for now. Their yard wouldn’t look right at this time of year without him out there waving at the neighbors.”

“We didn’t have anything like that when I was a kid. But my abuelita would put up colored lights, and I’d help her make garlands out of construction paper. One year, she cut out… oh, I don’t know, about a hundred paper stars and we strung them up on threads and used thumbtacks to hang them from the ceiling. She said it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.” Rafael went quiet for a while then, lost in thought. 

Sonny tried to imagine a young, enthusiastic Rafael dancing and laughing with his grandmother under a delicately-suspended sky of paper stars. He’d seen pictures of Rafi’s beloved abuelita, his lifelong supporter and confidant, and wished he could have known her. There was something deeply moving in the thought of connecting with someone else who had loved Rafael so completely. It made him smile, just imagining what such a meeting might have been like. What stories might they have shared with one another? Would she have accepted Sonny? Liked him, even? He hoped so.

“I didn’t tell you what else I did today,” Rafael said in a mysterious tone as he brushed his fingers through Sonny’s hair, gently pulling him back from his wistful reverie. 

“Hmm?” Sonny pressed a kiss to Rafael’s chest. “Was this before or after you jacked up your back?”

“Before. I could barely get myself here afterward.”

Intrigued, Sonny propped up on one elbow and looked down at Rafael, who looked entirely too pleased with himself. “Tell me.”

“I don’t want to spoil the surprise.” Rafael was grinning broadly, practically bursting with delight. 

Sonny had a very bad feeling about where this was going, but he tried to play it off. “Then why bring it up, if you’re not gonna tell me?”

“Because half the fun of Christmas presents is having a secret, and knowing that _you know_ that _I_ have a secret.”

Heart pounding in his chest, Sonny extricated himself from Rafael’s embrace and sat up. “I hope you didn’t go and spend a bunch of money on me.”

“Hey.” Rafael tugged at his sleeve, but Sonny wouldn’t look at him. “It’s our first Christmas together. It’s a big deal to me. I thought you’d be excited.”

“It’s a big deal to me, too, Raf. But I wish you’d talked to me first, before you got me something.”

“IT’S CHRISTMAS. What’s to talk about?”

“ _Everything_.” Sonny sprang to his feet and went to the kitchen. 

Frustrated and confused, Rafael groaned and tried to drag himself to a seated position. As he wriggled, Bombolone awoke with a snort and leaped off him, scurrying under the coffee table. His voice rose as he called out after Sonny, “Goddammit, that’s not fair, walking away when I’m lying here like a fucking flipped turtle. Get your ass back in here and talk to me.” 

Sonny paced the length of the kitchen, trying to find the words to deal with this situation. He’d truly meant to talk to him about it before now, but somehow here they were, a week before Christmas and it hadn’t come up. Until now. And now, he didn’t know where to begin. 

It wasn’t fair to Rafael, springing this on him now. He knew that, and wished he could go back and have a conversation with him when there was still time to avert what now felt like an inevitable catastrophe. 

He wished he’d won the lottery. Although… he would have had to have bought a ticket first, so that plan wasn’t going anywhere.

He wished a rich uncle would hurry up and die and leave him money. Except one of his uncles was a priest, so there wasn’t any secret fortune coming his way from that quarter. And his other uncles were good guys, with families of their own. They were hardly going to conveniently keel over and leave Sonny everything they’d worked for, just because he was in a financial pinch.

_Financial pinch._ He wasn’t about to be kicked out of his apartment. He owned a car. He had a solid job and a steady paycheck, making a hell of a lot more than a lot of people did. This wasn’t what hardship looked like, and he knew it. 

It was just Christmas. And he felt like the world’s biggest knucklehead.

He couldn’t stay in the kitchen forever. He could almost see his father wagging a finger at him and telling him for the four hundredth time, _“The only way out is through, son. Just get it over with.”_

Gritting his teeth, he opened the refrigerator and grabbed a container of shaved parmesan cheese. He slammed the door shut and looked up to see Rafael standing in the entry to the kitchen, grimacing in pain.

Sonny swallowed and waved the plastic tub at him. “I forgot the cheese.”

In measured tones, Rafael replied, “That wasn’t about cheese.” 

“No, it wasn’t.” Sonny dropped the container on the kitchen table. “Let me help you to the couch. And I’m calling a doctor.”

“I don’t need a doctor. My back does this when I try to lift several hundred pounds, it’s nothing.” Stubbornly refusing to accept any help, Rafael pulled out a chair and sat down at the table, wincing. He grabbed Sonny’s hand. “I need you to sit down and talk to me.”

With his pulse racing, Sonny nodded and sat down beside him. He looked at Rafael and felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him. He should have said something before now. “Look, I, uh… I feel like an idiot.”

“I don’t date idiots.”

“I know, that’s what I’m afraid of.”

“What the--” Rafael shook his head, baffled and increasingly exasperated. “We were having such a nice night, and then suddenly you’re mad at me--”

“No, I’m not mad at you. I can’t blame you for thinking I was, though.” Too mortified to look at Rafael, Sonny leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. After an agonizing moment, he finally said, “I meant to say something before now.”

An unpleasant prospect dawned on Rafael, casting a shadow over his eyes. “Wait… are you _breaking up_ with me?”

“What? Jesus, no. You really think I’d... ” Sonny sat up and looked Rafael in the eye. “This is gonna sound really stupid now.”

“Sonny…”

“Fine, okay, I… I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. Because it’s our first, and it’s special, and I wanted to do something really nice for you. But what my heart wants and what my bank account can manage right now are two very different things. If you and I had gotten together when I was still a detective, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, because I’d already have bought you an amazing first Christmas present, but we didn’t, so here we are.”

Rafael stared at him for several long seconds, pursing his lips as he tried to make sense of everything Sonny had just babbled at him. “I’m confused. Did you get mad at me because… I got you a present? Or because we didn’t get together a year ago?”

“I didn’t get mad, I… okay, maybe I got a little mad, because _mad_ is easier than _embarrassed_. Mad is easier than feeling like I’m not good enough for you, Rafael. So yeah, I guess I got mad about the present. I shouldn’t have. But I did. And I’m sorry.”

Rafael was smirking that infuriating _“I know something you don’t know”_ smirk of his, but it was softened by the affection in his eyes and voice. “Sonny Carisi, if either of us isn’t good enough for the other, I can assure you, it isn’t you. You’re the most honorable, kindhearted man I’ve ever known. You took a thankless job working to advocate for victims. You did so knowing you wouldn’t be making as much money as you did before. And, I might add, you did so at my urging.”

“I just don’t want to disappoint you.”

“With a _Christmas present_? Sonny, I don’t care about a present. I just want to spend Christmas with you. I want to watch corny old movies and listen to Christmas records and eat fruitcake with you. I want to put one of those fireplace videos on the tv and make out with you on the couch while we wait for Santa Claus to figure out a way to come down the nonexistent chimney.”

“Santa doesn’t need a chimney. Haven’t you ever seen _The Santa Clause_?”

Rafael sniffed dismissively. “That’s the one with Tim Allen? I try to avoid him when at all possible.”

“Huh. What I’m hearing is that I need to reheat our dinner and put that movie on.”

“It’s almost like you enjoy torturing me.” Rafael rolled his eyes to the heavens, as though pleading for deliverance from the evening’s apparently inescapable entertainment.

Powerless to resist his dramatic ass, Sonny leaned in and kissed Rafael, the kind of gentle, reassuring kiss he desperately needed after even the briefest lovers’ quarrel. He felt steadier, more himself. “I’m sorry I got upset.”

“I’m sorry I upset you. You know it was the farthest thing from my mind.” With exquisite tenderness, Rafael stroked Sonny’s cheek. “Now, help me to the couch and bring me the heating pad so I can endure this movie.”

### Christmas Eve

Sonny was bustling around his kitchen, preparing Christmas Eve dinner. He’d propped his tablet up on the kitchen counter, and had a video chat going with his mother, Val. Through it all, Bombolone sat patiently under the kitchen table, alert to the possibilities of dropped food. 

Val had offered to come into the city to help him, but Sonny firmly refused, insisting he wanted to cook this meal himself.

“Did you get those baby potatoes like I told you?” 

“Yeah, Ma.” 

He had a small prime rib roast in the oven, cooking slowly over low heat to keep it tender and juicy. He’d boiled a couple of pounds of little potatoes, and was smashing them with butter, cream, and chopped herbs. Asparagus tossed with olive oil, salt, and pepper lay on a baking sheet, waiting to be popped into the oven to roast for a few minutes once the beef came out. 

“Midnight mass won’t be the same without you. I was telling your father, maybe we should just skip it and go to bed like normal people, but he said--”

“He said you kept going to midnight mass without Teresa, Gina, and Bella, so why would you bail on the baby Jesus now, right?”

“It’s different with you, you always lit up at midnight mass, like you understood it better than any of us.”

“Ma, I lit up at midnight mass because everybody was holding candles.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

“Alright, alright. Look, Rafael’s gonna be here soon, and I need to wash up and change outta my sweats. Promise me you and Pop won’t skip mass on my account.”

“Oh, honey, you know we won’t.”

“Good. Love you, Ma. Merry Christmas. Give the old man a hug from me, will ya?”

She blew him a kiss and waved, then ended the call. 

Sonny heaved a slightly frazzled sigh of relief. He had a few minutes before Rafael arrived. He quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a white henley shirt, with a deep blue shawl collar sweater that looked like a cozy, knitted hug. He dashed to the bathroom and was checking his hair when he heard a knock. 

Rafael stood at the door, wearing a Santa hat. “Ho ho ho.”

“Get the fuck out, look how cute you are in that hat.” Sonny pulled him in and closed the door behind him, pressing him to the wall with a kiss. 

Breathless and a little giddy, Rafael murmured, “If I’d known you’d react this way to a drugstore Santa hat, I’d have bought one weeks ago.”

“It’s not the hat, it’s the guy under it.” Sonny made himself pull back, but couldn’t stop grinning. “I can’t stop lookin’ at you, you fuckin’ cutie.”

Grabbing a coat hanger from the closet, Rafael shrugged off his coat and hung it up. He was wearing a dark green crew neck sweater and jeans, and held a mid-sized gift bag. “I believe you requested ‘festive casual’ for the evening. Did I do okay?”

Sonny’s eyes answered as affirmatively as any words could. He nodded and took Rafael’s hand, leading him to the kitchen. “The roast needs maybe another twenty minutes, and then it has to stand for a bit. Want a glass of wine or something?”

Fortified with a hearty red wine, they went to the living room, with Bombolone right behind them. Sonny had already plugged in all the lights around the apartment, and had a fireplace video crackling away on the tv. Christmas songs played softly in the background. 

Approaching the Christmas tree, Rafael quirked an eyebrow at a small, wrapped package, then deposited the gift bag beside it. He looked expectantly at Sonny. “Do you want to wait until after dinner, or do you want to do this now?”

Sonny joined him by the tree. He picked up the package he’d wrapped in striped red and green paper, and handed it to Rafael. “Merry Christmas. Go on, open it.”

With a childlike glint in his eye, Rafael tore into the wrapping paper around the box in his hands. Inside the box was a large coffee mug with a cartoonish French bulldog face and the inscription, _“Waking up is hard to do.”_

A slow smile spread over his face, and he looked up at Sonny. “Oh my god. You got this after I got stuck on your floor that night, didn’t you?”

Sonny threw his head back and laughed. “I couldn’t resist. I saw it in a window the other day and all I could think of was you on the floor with Bombolone drooling on your shirt.”

“I can’t even believe this thing exists, and yet I wonder how I’ve lived all this time without it.” Rafael stood on tiptoe and brushed his lips against Sonny’s. “Thank you. I love it. I really do.”

Still clinging to his mug, Rafael headed to the couch and sat down. The dog immediately leaped up and climbed into his lap. “Now it’s your turn. Bring it over here, though, so Bombolone can see it too. It’s for both of you.”

Wondering what kind of weirdness he was about to get into, Sonny picked up the gift bag and joined Rafael on the couch. He pulled out a piece of tissue paper and found a Santa hat like Rafael’s. With a chuckle, he put it on. “You see how much I love you? I’m messing up my hair for you.” 

“Ohhh, Santa.” Rafael’s eyes went wide with carnal appreciation. “Now I see what you mean. I should have bought these hats weeks ago. I can’t believe we missed out on this for so long.”

Trying valiantly not to blush but failing miserably, Sonny turned his attention to the bag, rooting around under the tissue paper and pulling out a striped elf outfit for Bombolone. He howled at the sight of it, and immediately started taking it out of its packaging. With Rafael’s help, Sonny tugged the bright green and white striped outfit over the pudgy body of the surprisingly acquiescent dog. He looked ridiculous, which was the desired effect. 

“I can’t believe you actually got him that outfit. That’s the best Christmas present ever.” 

Rafael smiled crookedly and nodded at the bag. “There’s something else in there.”

There was something in Rafael’s eyes, he looked almost… nervous? Curiosity piqued, Sonny fished around in all the tissue until he found a small, flat box. Unwrapping it, he lifted the lid and blinked at the contents.

“Is this what I think it is?” He dumped a pair of keys out into the palm of his hand and looked to Rafael. 

“Sonny, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. My days are better when they start with you. And my nights are better when I come home to you. I don’t just want that on weekends or a day here or there when one of us is too tired to go home after a date. I want that all the time. Move in with me. Please.”

Mind reeling, Sonny swallowed hard. He told himself he didn’t want to answer impulsively. This was a big deal. It merited thought, right? But Rafael was sitting there, looking at him like he was gonna curl up and cry if Sonny didn’t say something soon. What was there to even think about? 

“So I’d give up my place and…”

“My apartment is bigger. And it’s rent controlled. And in a better neighborhood. It'd make your financial situation a bit more manageable, too.” Rafael bit his lip and tilted his head to the side, his eyes pleading with Sonny. He was trembling. When had he started trembling? “So… what do you think? Bad idea? Worst Christmas present ever?”

Sonny couldn’t believe how completely he’d been caught off guard by this. He’d had no idea Rafael was contemplating this step, but now that he knew it, he felt a wave of compassion for the anxiety he knew must have accompanied Rafael’s deliberations. The weight of keeping that secret, knowing he planned to go out on a limb like this, all while tending to Sonny’s panicked outbursts? It was humbling. All the more so because it hadn’t scared Rafael off. 

He looked at Rafael sitting there with an elf costumed dog in his lap, and loved him more fiercely than ever. He reached over to pet Bombolone and smiled at Rafael. 

“What about him? Can you have pets in your building?”

“I told you the gift was for both of you, didn’t I?” 

There wasn’t anything else to think about. The keys fell to the floor as Sonny pulled Rafael in for a kiss. With a disgruntled yelp, Bombolone jumped out of Rafael’s lap and trotted off to the kitchen.

Still shaking, Rafael nuzzled against Sonny’s ear and murmured, “I love you so much, Sonny Carisi. Please tell me that’s a yes.” 

Sonny couldn’t stop kissing him. He was feeling too much to contain it all. He wanted to get up and run up and down the stairs or maybe just pull Rafael into a dance, or yell out the window or something. Or just fucking kiss him and touch him and cling to this warm, soft, handsome, brilliant, wonderful man in his arms, and know with every kiss and every touch, Rafael belonged to him. 

“I love you too, Rafael. That’s a yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> This may (or may not) be a slightly less serious take on the prompt than anticipated, but I am a big giant weirdo, and I like fluffy nonsense. Happy holidays! A Barisi Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


End file.
